I saw a tik tok recently with a woman passionately (and with both tears and conviction in her eyes) explain that her roughest life circumstances did NOT make her who she is. SHE made herself who she is. She explained that she wasn’t thankful for those trials, she was thankful for herself.
And it was a very powerful message and I do so totally get it. BUT, for myself, I view this differently. I’m so thankful for even my worst life trials.
And I’d like to first say that I’m aware and so thankful that I haven’t experienced things like physical abuse, rape or molestation, or racial injustices (which we know can really vary in intensity). I mean the list could go on I’m sure. We’ve all been through sh*t, but I do honor the fact that our situations are not all equal. And I’m thankful for what has gone right in my life as well.
But back to my original story here.
I’m thankful.
I’m thankful for my absent drug addicted father. Who made me so acutely aware of what it’s like not to have the proper love and care from the man that is supposed to be the most important one in your life. I’m strong alone because I grew up and flourished without his love. And though it took me a long time and many mistakes to get here, I will understand a deeper kind of love with a man one day and I will be so thankful too because I know what it was like without. I will not settle though, again, for a man just like my father because I know he will not be able to offer me the kind of love I’m seeking and so deserve.
I’m thankful for the rare tumor I fought (hard) for 5 years that even took away my largest glute muscle on my left side (leaving me technically disabled). It was because of this tumor and the worst of it near the end that I found the courage to truly fight for the life of my dreams (the life I have now). Knowing that we weren’t meant to be miserable in our life’s circumstances. We (many of us) are so lucky because we have a choice to make a change (because we’re alive and well, today). And we, in fact, owe it to ourselves because life is too short and too precious and we musn’t waste it.
I’m thankful for my weight. My literal physical weight. The dozens of very heavy pounds (heavy on my heart, my soul and my body). This one feels a bit more raw because I’m working on shedding these pounds now. But I had gotten to a point where I didn’t know if I’d ever shed them. There were just too many. And the pain (of all of it) was just too much. But I’m thankful because they served to protect me when I needed protection the most. But I’m ok now. I’m safe. I don’t need to hold on to them anymore.
And I’m thankful, too, that just a year ago, walking around the corner to my mailbox was more than I was willing to bear physically and a trip to target would take all I had. And while I still feel like walking – stairs especially lol – is a challenge – I’m so far from where I started. And when I can finally climb a mountain again, one day not too long from now, it will be so much sweeter because I truly know what it’s like to be restricted, held back, unable.
It doesn’t really matter exactly how you look at your toughest life circumstances - as long as you don’t let them define you and your future. As long as however you think of them, it’s empowering for you. But I choose to believe that they served me. And that my rainbow is so bright and vivid, because of the intensity of the rain that fell before it. And I’m thankful for that rain. So thankful that when it pours next, and it will as it always does, I’ll smile, open my arms wide, twirling around, looking up to the skies as the rain hits my face and ask, 'what great lesson do you have for me next?’
