One of the things I have been working through this year is my relationship to my ‘list.’ Do you have one? A list of things you want to do in life (personally, professionally, or even a bucket list). It could also be in the form of a vision board, or it could just be in your head (you know what you desire most)!
What is this list for, really? What does it do?
I remember one of the first times I wrote my list down. I was a young adult, doing alright but definitely paycheck to paycheck. I couldn’t find boots that fit my calves that I loved, my laptop had just taken a sh*t, and my roomie situation was less than stellar. I made a background screen for my cell phone in some app (so I’d see it everyday), and I wrote: ‘New Boots, New Laptop, New Roommates.’
Later that day or the next, I was shopping with a girlfriend and found the boots. Straight away, in Target, there they were! Exactly what I wanted and they fit perfectly. I had been jokingly chatting with an old friend about being roomies too lately and it turns out she was super serious, so it wasn’t long before we decided ‘let’s do it!’ and we signed a year lease. For kicks, I decided to pull out my laptop that was not turning on at all and just try once more and it came on! So within a few weeks, I made this whole (albeit short, fairly simple) list reality.
I think I was sold on lists forever at this point. I regularly thought about exactly what I wanted, and made the vision boards or wrote it out and kept it front and center.
And it was great for so many years. I ‘made’ so many things happen. Manifested them, maybe? BUT before you run, the word manifestation is a doozy to some. Some are head over heels with the whole concept, some are like ‘it’s total BS.’ I’m somewhere in the middle. It IS total BS, except that there is something behind believing in something and focusing on it. You just start to do the things that are in line (the hard work/action/sacrificing that I worry gets left out of the story sometimes) with making that thing happen.
Self-publishing my first book, starting my business and being able to leave my day job, hiring my first employee, traveling the world, buying my first home – all of it was due to my list. Well – it was due to my hard work to be clear, but my list gave me clarity and direction. It was my compass. And honestly, all the things I listed right here? At one point were things I absolutely thought were a longshot in h*ll! Because, first, I had to catch up on my finances (the past due bills and unpaid speeding tickets that were pinned to my wall, that I had taken a red sharpie and wrote ‘paid’ on and circled it, a kind of visual list of debt to pay off).
I had no idea I would make all of this happen. I still can’t believe it. It’s important to note that there have also been large chunks of time (months or even years, sometimes) where I gave up on my list all together. Stopped believing. Stopped taking action. Stopped living really. But I struggle with depression and anxiety, so that’s a large part of it.
Ok, so what happened next? What’s wrong?
Anyway enough back story – what’s wrong now? Why do I now have an issue around my relationship with my list? Well, what happens when you literally make all your wildest dreams come true? I mean, what’s next? The possibilities are endless, right? I started to learn that I really could do anything I put my mind to (and took action on), as long as I was dedicated enough.
BUT, even though I had made so many dreams a reality, I was in one of those phases where I had given up on my list (which really means I had given up on myself). I was sitting in my beautiful Arizona home (it really was gorgeous), running my team of 20 in my business. But I wasn’t living. I was gaining pound after pound, becoming more unhealthy and nearing immobility (not quite that far, but too close for my own comfort), getting up to 350 very heavy pounds. Business was always a stressor, and even with such a large team – work just consumed me. All of me. The highlights of my week were the nights I drank a bottle or two of champagne with my dogs, watching Netflix, sometimes crying myself to sleep.
A breaking point.
I decided at one point, finally, that I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I needed to get back to my list (aka, my dreams). Only, I didn’t know what I wanted! I had accomplished almost everything I could have ever dreamt possible. But I still wasn’t happy? So what would make me happy? Because I was in such a bad state, I also had trouble even visioning the future I knew I really wanted. I mean, of course I wanted a life partner and to start a family and to start actually living again (which meant doing things, traveling, hiking, being able to walk around a farmers market on a Sunday for more than ten minutes without my back going out on me). But just as in the past, based on where I was, this all literally felt like a long shot in h*ll.
But I did know if I had any chance at all that I had to start somewhere. So I hired a private yoga instructor for a 6 week Ayurveda course. We met multiple times per week, some sessions I just needed someone to listen and we talked and I cried. I scaled back on my own work hours. I got some other routines in place (swimming laps in my pool, meditating in my hot tub). Baby steps. It was during a yoga turned talk session that the ‘silly’ idea first came to me about closing my business, selling my home and running off to travel (maybe even moving to some place else, with a lower cost of living, where I could live in a totally different and less stressful way). None of it was anything I was truly considering – just yet! But the seeds were planted.
Over the next handful of months, I worked hard to turn my business around. To where it was not consuming me (nearly as much anyway). There is A LOT to the story around my business but it’s a whole other story for another day (and in case you were wondering, I didn’t close my business and have no plans to, I only have plans to continue to work towards making the business truly work for my life).
Anyway, somewhere along the line, I knew I had to thrust myself into something more here if I was really going to get out of the situation I was in in life. So I decided to travel again. I knew that traveling forced me to be more active, explore more, be in nature more, and none of that could be a bad thing for me at this point. I had a house/dog sitter lined up for 6 months of travel but 6 months felt a little constricting. On top of that, my personal bills were pretty crazy (it wasn’t the mortgage, that wasn’t bad at all, it was everything else). So after seeing how amazing the housing market was, I decided to just sell. Everything. House. Jeep. And all of my belongings in a big sale.
I didn’t know exactly what I wanted next in life, but I knew I had nothing to lose because I wasn’t living now and I wasn’t happy. So off I went. That was a year ago now. And it’s been a crazy year of traveling around the world. I have continued to struggle with my mental health (some days and weeks have been much better than others), but I have also been actively working so hard on figuring it out for myself. I’ve lost 60 pounds so far too, and CAN hike again (it’s still hard, and I stick to pretty easy, fairly short trails, but it’s a long ways from where I was and I’m still going).
The problem with the list.
I think because one of my team members decided to travel with me, I just really focused on travel most of the year (2022) and didn’t worry too much about anything else. We would work during the week (M-TH), and go on excursions/explore every weekend. I got to see and do some incredible things! And it was so awesome having a friend with me to do this with too. I hoped that some clarity and direction would come to me along the way. And it did! I slowly started dreaming again. Even taking actions on some of them (like this whole blog, for example).
But then… I had been planning (on my travel list lol) to hit the European holiday markets around October or November and stay in Europe a few months. My friend wanted to, but being that her passport has different restrictions and requirements than mine (she is from South Africa), she eventually decided it was for the best that she head home for a bit instead (she was also ready to get back to her friends and family for a while).
This was at a time that my own anxiety was already at a very high level (a lot to do with that business story that will be told some other time). So if she was heading back home anyway, then was Europe where I really wanted to go after all? Because I could really go anywhere I wanted, right? As much as I had been looking forward to the holiday markets, I couldn’t help but feel that it would be better for me to go somewhere where I could specifically work on myself. Because the truth was that I was at a crossroads in life – who am I? What do I want? Where do I want to go? Where do I want to live next? What is going on? The anxiety just kept rising.
I had so many ideas and thoughts running through my head and heart. I’ve used lists most of my life. But now that the possibilities were truly endless, I didn’t know what I wanted most. I had too many things on my list. I created a word doc and started to categorize, and prioritize. Not just travel locations, this was about so much more than just travel. I also wrote business ideas/aspirations and personal/health related items. It was maddening, honestly. But I had to (at the very least) figure out where I was going/what I was doing next. It came down to (after 2 full days of researching retreats) a silent meditation retreat in India or a Yoga/Mental Health retreat in Mexico. It was a tough call, but I chose Mexico. I would like to still do the silent meditation retreat this year!
So, the retreat in Mexico is also another story for another day, but I will say I spent a bit more time on refining my list while I was there. I thought that was the answer, at first. That I just needed clarity and direction to fix my compass and then off I’d go happily chasing my dreams again. But the issue is that I looked at this list, and while everything on it was amazing, it was still just giving me anxiety instead of direction. For the first time, I knew that none of it was really the answer. Because none of it mattered as much as my own health, peace and ability to live my true joy. Those were actually the only things that mattered, and those couldn’t really be found on a list.
So what now?
So, now I’m back in South Africa for a few months, because I’m here to focus on health. This week (hopefully, if the doctor accepts me) I’ll have a hernia repaired that I have been avoiding dealing with for years. And then I’ll be freezing some eggs, with the plans to move forward with IVF by the end of the year. Even though I don’t have all the answers, being a mother is not one of the questions, on that I am sure.
I also wanted to just ground myself. Three months is longer than I’ve stayed in one place this whole past year. And clearly, running around isn’t helping me right now. I want to just get still and go inwards, and focus on finding that inner sense of joy and peace and love that I know (from experience at this point) I will never ever be able to find outside of myself.
But knowing all of this isn’t easy either. I still have mental health issues to contend with. My first week back here in South Africa has been a head-spinning doozy. But if I’m not being ultra hard on myself, like I normally am, it makes sense. I’ve been through so much the past year and a half. And more than that, I’ve been running my whole life. And I’m so proud of everything I’ve accomplished, and I have more to accomplish still. But the accomplishments are no longer the compass. They simply can’t be. The compass is inside of me and it’s my job to work on the practice of being present so that I can follow it wherever it’s supposed to take me. And it could take me to some of the items on that last version of my list, but it may not, it may take me somewhere else entirely.
To be clear here though, if lists (and vision boards) are still empowering, motivating and give you a sense of direction, that’s great!! Keep going!
I didn’t realize it, or I had forgotten I should say, but it turns out that where I am RIGHT NOW was a list too. I wrote this a few years ago now, and then forgot about it, but found it as I was packing a few momentos away before I sold all my belongings. Honestly, it didn’t even click for me when I read this a year ago, not quite like it’s clicking for me right now. I mean all of it, including the last bit, came true and I think it was just truly meant to. List or no list.
